First I want to give a huge shoutout to my team on this shoot:
Kriss and Melissa from Kriss Cosmetics - Amazing hair and makeup team that came right to me. I've worked with them before, and I just have a blast with them. Kriss has done makeup on past celebrities and presidents! This duo brings more than just gorgeous looks, they have some great stories. And Melissa really did get all my natural hair this big. Ladies, if you have a wedding coming up, these two need to be your go-to-gals.
Anna Tabakova - For my last 2 "tell all" studio shoots, I've had male photographers, but I really wanted to work with a female photographer, who has done dramatic and harsh concepts, but features the model with softer lighting. I feel like my current state in life is the perfect combination of those things, and it was important to me to work with another woman who could understand that.
Also, a shoutout to my old roommate Jen who helped me get in this damn corset! Jen and I use to do the Rocky Horror Picture Show together and then lived together. If anyone can get me in and out of a corset, it's her.
And finally, the corset is by the talented Wyte Phantom in the UK. She made this corset by hand, to my exact measurements. Click the link to have your custom corset made.
As a blogger, I feel it's my job to be positive and aspirational. To find beautiful locations and outfits, showcasing a lifestyle that's inspirational yet attainable. The truth is, I feel like a liar. I post on instagram to always keep your head up when you're feeling down. I honestly try to do that because I know it's "the right thing to do," but damn, my head is heavy. I don't want to keep it up. I want to wallow. I want to fixate on all the things that went wrong and feel hurt. For me, I find it hard to let things go. I write down my feelings, go back and re-read them, and feel everything all over again.
A year ago (pretty much to the date) my husband left me for a "friend." We weren't in a spectacular place anyways (infidelity on both sides), so it wasn't so much of a shocker (or a huge loss), but it hurt nonetheless. I know what he's doing is rebound and vengeful (whether he realizes that or not), but at the same time I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I didn't want to be married to him for a couple of years, maybe never. And right at that same time, I found someone incredible, and I fought with that notion. Was it too soon? I was still hurt over the past 2 years of my life, how can I be with someone new? I'll just keep it casual. My friends said I was rushing, but my my heart wanted to fall.
I found someone when I wasn't looking. I wasn't ready, and I didn't feel comfortable dealing with that. Whether he picked up on that or not, we didn't work out. (The really tall cute guy in some of my photos). We dated for a year and I loved him. Though the breakup was and probably will be the best breakup I'll ever have, I just wasn't his "one." Kuddos to him to openly say that and not continue the relationship further, because if he had, this post would be more of "I didn't do it, but if I had...." I gave him an out, and he took it. I didn't want him to take it, but he did. This alone should tell me he wasn't right for me. I don't want someone to walk away, I want someone to fight to stay.
I feel like lately relationships are like Escape Rooms:
you pay to get in one, only to find the quickest way out.
If everything is going great, how do you know who's the one or not, or even when to end it? I wasn't thinking about marriage, heck, I just got out of one, but he knew he didn't see something long term with me. It wasn't that I was or wasn't thinking about the future with him, I of course had the fantasies of what would our kids look like, but could he see that in my face? When do people start thinking long term? I can't even plan my meals throughout the week, let alone think about the future with someone, but that didn't stop me from fantasizing about it. All I know is what I do want, in the hypothetical sense.
What Meredith wants in a man (I believe if I put it out there, it will come to me... has anyone else seen Practical Magic?):
I want to be utterly in love, the kind of love your friends are happy to be around, not disgusted by
I want surprise visits and flowers
I want the person I love to think about me at night, miss me, and let me know
I want someone to binge-watch Buffy with
I want someone who loves big dogs
I want someone that challenges me and I challenge them right back
I want someone that isn't afraid to wear pink
I want someone to appreciate fashion, understands my passion for it, and also cares how he dresses
I want someone proud of me, not jealous of me
I want someone who's generous, not stingy, but also doesn't buy affections
I want someone with their own group of friends and who likes my friends too
I want someone who loves french cuisine, but also loves McDonald's
I want someone who wants sex, no matter what time of day it is
I want someone successful, that didn't earn his success from a handout but worked hard for it
I want someone tall with dark hair, a defined jaw line, and who makes me laugh
I want someone that also fantasizes about what our hypothetical children would be like
Is that too much to ask for?
I wanted to do this shoot to capture an odd moment in my life. When things are dark, dramatic, and crazy, like my hair, but I'm still powerful, beautiful, and sexy despite it all. I don't want to look back at this time and be reminded of the runny mascara and the dirty tissues, I want to remember that despite it all, I came out on top. I'm also channeling some serious Sarah Jessica Parker from Hocus Pocus, so eat your heart out!